I wonder if I ever caught someones attention. Even if I was just walking among the crowd, I wonder if they wanted to get to know me or anything like that.
(Source: dangnikki, via bradleyspitzer)
I’ll stray away from being vindictive, because my heart swells too much.
Enough. I need to save myself first before I try saving anyone else.
Everything runs cyclically in accord with circumstances and needs, whether we want it or not. Once in a while, you’ve got to just be in pain before delving in bliss.
So I stopped fighting it……
These days have been strangely quaint, yet solitude has my mind creating scenarios out of air. Though my process goes: breathe // dismiss the scenarios
My mind is constantly rummaging through bins of poignant agonies and memories. It’s been a while, taking a dip of what I used to experience….but process brings me back.
I’ll be in between topics. Don’t mind.
I’m drawn to those without a closed mouth. Spewing their tripe and engaging my ears. And I let it be, I just listen, disregarding the need to speak. Their ramblings kept the order in my sporadic psyche. Perhaps, I’m just that much of a bore, that I find myself almost living vicariously through their tripe. Hell, I lived on that tripe. I lived on nothing but laughter and exchange.
The idea of connecting with others is maddeningly elusive… ingenuity is constant, and others like the spotlight. I’m earnest in attempts (or perhaps, not enough) Yet at the same time, preconceived notions strained the credibility. I’m fearful for this heart, but only casual engagement will suffice the gap for now.
Time and distance has created this discordance within me about what truly matters. The more I’m caught up in my own life, I began to lose touch with everything else. No one understands how seriously I take my relationships and family and I miss everyone terribly.
I have this abundance of unconditional love. And honestly, it could be for just about everyone….I’m daft, I know.
Lack of phone calls and messages have been messing with me…
I want to be passionate about something or someone again.
Constantly wanting to be galvanized with just the company of myself…. But why is a more involved life the aphrodisiac of my deeper passion? I run into one thing, void it due to too much hunger, and gnaw my lips raw at the impending possibilities of everyday. Where am I going wrong? Where’s the fire?
I miss dancing, film, overwhelming passion and the genuinity in the people I met back home.
Maybe tomorrow, I’ll do something more differently with the routine.
My mold has been interchangeable since the beginning. And although the beginning was long ago, I feel as though my stationary has finally ripped off its bind. Heavy rain interrupted the standstill ….. Never in my life have I felt so much fear… and here I am coping in the wildest ways. In this halt, how was I to react? The world is fast tracking right before my eyes, and I’m nothing but a speck. Reality was so imminent ; sleep is pending. I was wrong since the start. Tiny efforts with no immediate effects in this world. I finally understood when the actuality sunk into my hollow eyes these last few weeks. Carpet ripped up right from under me. Everything is easily eluded, and here I am believing there was a chance on every peak. Baffling, because it’s all misconception and credulous on my part. The world and their problems swayed me so easily…..And for once, my heart was fully in for the next step. I love my mother. I know what I’ve done, I know what I’m doing. Except, it is finally clear that I no longer wanted to be a speck; I have to make something out of this strange, bereft life. I need the journey, I need proof.
With all the whiplash attempts, I’m finally forwarding, and there IT is ….that..which is tantamount to felicity and all her energy. All I wanted was to move forward, love wholeheartedly (again), meet positive associates, let go of the swelling in the back of my mind, and defy time.
Evolve, not advance.
Nothing of the sort should have to void this dawning moment of our spurs; As sharp as it all can be, I found myself treading about , warped…..stretched around the particles, and if I were to be touched, I think I’d dissolve into molecules. Nothing could replace. Nothing could replace you, any of you. But nothing will ever show. Nothing best to be dead…
Here we are, words, in this pact. Gutless show, dreary eyes. Kept me from the high, kept me from the lows. You don’t need somebody to adore.
There I am thumbing through all the essential queues and glorification for these/those days. And if it weren’t for the exaltation and eventful to-be(s), I’d be stirring in this deep demur at the digits that waver all my decisions. It wasn’t just that….even the obliged amount put in wasn’t enough, I admit…I haven’t been on my toes lately, which is all the more reason I need to put in a more proper exchange. With all the more to admit, the monotony has ceased, leaving sleep indubitably, days are advancing at involute speeds, everything within and outside was reciprocated. And for once, I was committed. My heart is in, setting aside all those inhibitions and gnawing realism. I don’t want us on a tangent, because I’d rather us on a straight line, or intersecting at every chance.
There will be days when I find myself lost, others I feel completely stranded in the best place, someday I want to find a ‘right’ feeling for all the times I’m awake…
Status quo, you know, that is Latin for the mess we’re in.
^(c) Photo - John Counts
I’m trying to think about that last moment before my thoughts will disperse into the air…blending, blending, blending with the rest of the pollution and broken molecules. My latter and currents aren’t clean anyways, so here’s a contribution to our waste. I feel like Big Brother is watching, taking sips out of his soda, sour face, lid off, and there sits our nasty memories. Not just that, those old, acquaintance-friends-family-classmates portraits with the tiny, faded writings on the back….you know, the ones that bring multiple nostalgia and late affectivity? Yeah, let’s either phone them, hide them, or throw it all away…..
I’m no good..
Subject: (a different other/now/before/later)
All my life, I’ve been so apt to think about the otherworldly…
No, not just that…..even the pathetic contenders in this maze. It’s baffling when my strings pull for the powerless, or how I relate. Like Radley, staring out the window, while you’re in constant crutch and trying to figure out your crucial end to all pains. You’re aging, while I’m growing. But get this, if you hurt, then I’ll hurt along too.
I’m trying to stray away from my superstitious paradigms and hidden thoughts about platitudinous ideas of romance. Then again, cynics against romances? Fuck it, I want to dream, if anything, let me feel whole again…
Hey, that’s not a cigarette!